Saying that I miss home so much is an understatement. It is, really.

The thought of being away from my family and my friends still scares me. No, scratch that. It’s already a fact. I am here in the US, away from my comfort zone. And it pains me.

I was very determined to push through. I’ve prayed hard for this to happen. God didn’t failed me.

I knew I would be away from everyone and everything I love so dearly, but I didn’t realized it would be this hard. I was never this weak. NEVER. And I’ve never pictured myself this way. NEVER.

God let this happen. And I believe He would never put me into something I would not be able to overcome. His plans are always better than mine. I’m leaving everything up to Him.

And I’ll never fail Him.

***

Leaving is hard. And living after leaving is harder.

The month of March has always been a sad month for me. EVERSINCE. You know, goodbyes and all. I hate goodbyes.

That’s why I never bid goodbye to anyone. Because I know that this is just a long see you soon!

Three weeks ago, I left home with a lot of what ifs in my mind.

Now, I’m starting to get answers for all these questions. 

This is what I know I wanted. And no matter how hard everything could be, I know I would never give up. I would hold on to this. 

If this is what it takes to be someone who you want to be, go. As the saying goes, “If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead you anywhere.”

***

I feel so uneasy these past few days. I miss home. I miss everyone. I miss everything. 

I came to this point that I felt like the more I spend my days here, the more I deprive myself of all the happiness I could’ve felt if I didn’t went here. 

But I’m keeping my faith. I know everything has its own purpose. God wants me to learn from this. He wants me to grow— he wants me to be a better version of myself. 

***

Time flies. And I can’t wait ‘til I travel 8493 miles back home. 

Last weekend was a roller coaster of emotions.

Saturday. We dropped Pa at the airport. He had to leave early because of an urgent matter. I’ve already grown old of the same setup and I’m already used to the emotions. To set the record straight, I’m no longer affected by Dad’s arrival and departure. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad bigtime! But if you’ve been dealing with the same situation for 20 years, what do you expect?

He usually leave alone. He wouldn’t let anyone of us, including Ma, to accompany him before his flight. I would see Ma crying silently for a couple of days, and then she’d be fine.

But last Saturday was different. Pa allowed us to drop him off at the airport. I looked at Dad before leaving, and I can see right in his eyes the sadness he tries to hide. It felt a bit awkward, but I was the one who cried first. Gah. And then, I saw Mom crying silently. Her shades didn’t help. I burst in tears while driving.

I felt like I miss him..so much! We used to be partners in everything. But after THAT major argument, everything changed. You know, it’s hard when you are with someone with the same ideals, attitude, et al. I sometimes feel there’s a competition between us. And we would never let each other win. Hah. I am my mother’s replica but I got the inner me from Dad.

Thing is, I’m not sure if we’ll be seeing each other this year. And I guess that add up to the weight of the emotions. I just hope we’d get to spend Christmas and New year together.

After driving Ma and sis to Cavite, I went to Megamall to meet up with Tito Father, Father Christian, and Pangs. We had coffee and donuts at Krispy Kreme. Spending time with priests outside Catholic functions is cool. You’ll definitely forget that they’re priests. You get to talk to them anything under the sun, and you’ll laugh your hearts out with their stories and jokes. And just like normal people, they also fool around. Oh, i forgot, they’re also normal. Haha.

Went to Cyberzone to pick up the laptop that Tito bought and then we had dinner at Chef’s Quarter. The food’s superb, would definitely dine there again soon!

We headed to QC to drop them off to the terminal to catch the 12mn ferry going to Marinduque.

And then, there’s heavy rain. Been driving at EDSA for numerous times already, but it was actually my first time at QC and I’m not familiar with the route. Good thing, Pangs helped me brave EDSA that night.

Sunday. Woke up early for our bi-monthly grocery and shopping. Bought some accessories for my Mac. And I felt the need to buy new shirts. You know, I’m a lover of those and I couldn’t resist buying tons of them every month. Just imagine how much is left with my salary on a 16th. Haha.

We were home by 4pm. I spent the remaining rest hours with my babies. I washed and waxed Mikhaile and then played with Moochy all night.

I just heard the news from my US employer— my supposed start date of April 1 was moved to an earlier date, exactly a month earlier. 

At the moment, I really don’t know what to feel. I’m excited about the new experience yet sad because in a few, I’ll leave the people whom I love dearly. It might be a short time, but for someone who is very attached to others, it would definitely be a big deal. I’m pretty sure I’ll cry a bucket of tears continuously for weeks before and after leaving.

I have a lot of things to fix— visa processing, my resignation, my housing there, and so much more. And the hardest part, is to condition myself.

Dad just left for an emergency work load. He’s the one supposed to fix my papers since I still have work and now, I don’t know how I would be able to juggle things. I don’t know how would I say goodbye to my office mates. I might not be happy with what I’m doing but I’ve learned to love the people here.

I worry about my Mom and my sis. They’re like kids who are dependent to me. I am too, with them, actually. It would surely be hard for all of us. But I know, they would definitely be happy for me.

And then, my partner— who is actually with me in this. It would surely be hard for both of us. But I believe in us. I’m sure love would save us from all the sadness.

***

I had my whole life planned. And then— I met this very special person, I forgot about everything.

I started from scratch again. I’m glad I actually didn’t felt the need for revisions— everything’s new.

And I’m more than happy that everything’s going smoothly as planned and I’m getting things one step at a time.

***

In 10 years, I would be managing my own restaurant. Details are already written, I just need to make it happen.

And I’m taking my first step towards making THAT dream a reality.

It would be tough but it would definitely be worth all the hard work and sacrifices.

***

Hello, PROJECT2020! I can’t wait to accomplish you.

Last Sunday, we went to Star City! It was actually a last minute decision. Unplanned yet we’re almost complete. Yay to that!

We left Cavite at around 6pm and arrived there at 730pm. Boo to Cavite Traffic! There was literally sea of people that time. Imagine us standing and waiting for more than 2 hours just to be able to ride the Star Flyer which I guess only operates for a minute. I was never patient, ever. So what I did was roam around while letting my cousins line in there. Haha. Call me bad, but I really can’t stand waiting.

We all got a ride all you can ticket and we were not able to get the most out of those. As much as we want to maximize it, we just can’t, because the place is so crowded.

We had fun anyway, that’s what matters most. We all have grown matured already, yet the kid in us is still there. You know, I miss those times when we would just play and goof around. Memories.

And oh, we left Star City at 1am. We were in Cavite in an hour.

I felt dizzy and lazy the next day.

First working day for 2011 and I’m not in the mood to work.

***

Speaking of memories, I honestly confess that I super duper missed the place. I used to see Star City and play LazerBlaster for free, almost everyday. I spent my 180 hours of OJT there, btw! I miss the people. Sadly, they’re not there because it’s a Sunday. I promised myself that I’ll go back there really soon.

I messaged my former boss that I’m there and said that I miss them already. He replied and we were able to catch up with each other. It feels great that these people who I’ve once worked with in a short span of time, never forgets me. Once in a while, they would text me and ask me how things are going on, and if there’s an occasion, they would greet me. It’s truly overwhelming. I’ve learned a lot through them and I was able to know what I really want to pursue.

Star City and MBC will always be special to me!

I was surprised upon checking the balance of my payroll atm. Usually, I withdraw all my salary and just leave a hundred bucks or so. And then, deposit it to my BPI savings account.

While everyone in the office is mad about the tax payable thing and the new BIR annual tax table, I got my tax refund! Swerte. Not really, you know paying 30% of your salary every pay day sucks, right? Bigtime! I wasn’t expecting a refund, btw. So that’s something to be happy about. If only there was no withholding tax, I should have been happier. Haha.

Since it’s my favorite god daughter/cousin’s birthday, I brought her to SM. I remember she kept on bugging me few days after Christmas, that I should give her another present because Christmas and her birthday are two different celebrations. Wise, eh?

I have no plans of buying anything except for a bottle of liquor and wine for New Year’s eve. And of course, whatever the kid wants as a present.

Exact opposite happened when i felt like playing Santa since 2010 has really been a good year for me.

I’ve been telling Pangs for months now that I wanna buy a watch for myself. But I can’t give myself one even I have the resources to buy it, nanghihinayang ako. Last month, I bought one for Mom and that made me more eager to get one. Until my sister brought me to Time Depot to check on watches. She asked me to buy her one, and so I did. And finally, I gave in and bought one for myself too. Pikit-mata pa yun.

And then, someone wants a 2011 havs collection. So we went to all flip-flops. The kid and my sister got one for themselves. I opted not to buy because I’m trying to get away from wearing slippers. I’m investing now on leather sandals. I know there’s no major difference between the two, but we do things little by little, I’ll soon learn my lesson.

Our next stop: department store. We bought numerous stuff there. From kitchen, to bags, to toys et al. And the sweet part, my sister bought the shirt I’m always looking at when we are there. She knew I want that, but same story, nanghihinayang ako. Now, guess who felt like winning the lottery? Not me.

My sis and I agreed to have our super late lunch at Pizza Hut. But the kid wants a kiddie meal. You know, kids— Jollibee and Mcdo are their most precious. Take-out!

We saw our cousin who happened to be with a friend. They joined us. It took us more than an hour to eat.

And then we went to Red Ribbon. The line was crazy. I tried to get a cake at Goldilocks instead but there are no more cakes left. I’ve no choice but to join the queue. Good thing, the crew were lively. They got cool strategies not to bore their customers! I never felt that I went through hell for a single round cake.

We were about to go home when Mom messaged me and asked me to buy additional ingredients. What do you expect in a supermarket on the 31st? Chaos! I asked my cousin to line up and pay for the stuff we bought. While waiting, I look around and I saw the dvd-karaoke on sale. I ended up buying one, since ours is already acting up.

And of course, my baby Mikhaile also deserves a holiday treat! Car wash, engine wash, armor all, and body wax!

There goes my tax refund and my last pay for 2010! But it was all worth it.

Nothing beats the feeling of putting smile on other people’s face. It’s priceless!

I was able to make a good ending for my 2010; and I got a feeling that I’ll also make a good start for 2011!

December 24 

I woke up early because Mom and Dad want to go to SM for additional grocery items. And since I’m still not done with my Christmas shopping, I agreed to join them.

At around 9am, I unintentionally opened my Gmail. To my surprise, I saw a mail with a subject, “Congratulations!” It was from Rasheeda, Managing Principal of Butler Search Group. I really can’t explain what I felt that moment.

God is great! He knew what my heart wants. I’ve been really praying hard for that, and I am more than grateful that He gave that gift to me in the moment I least expect it.

I read the email twice or thrice before I told Mom and Dad about it. I wanted to be sure that it’s true and I’m not dreaming. Haha. Mom’s very happy upon hearing the news. She even said that she was also praying for that.

We managed to complete the Misa de Gallo. Two realizations hit me when I heard the good news. That is, how powerful prayer is and how faith can move everything.

I don’t know if completing the Misa de Gallo has really something to do with this, but there’s a belief that if you wish for something and you were able to complete the Simbang Gabi, your wish will be granted. As for me and the fam, it worked and it always works. This is not the only time that my wish was granted, it happens every year.

That calls for a celebration, right? I treated the fam for lunch at Flavours of China! The food was superb. We all got so full.

Mom and Tita Lola went to the supermarket while Dad, Pia, and I went to PC outlets to canvass for laptop. Now, Dad and I are both confused of getting a Mac or the HP i7 or a Sony Vaio. Shortly after, Pia and I went to department store to complete our list of presents.

We attended the Mass at 830 and had a sumptuous Noche Buena.

December 25 

I almost forgot to take pictures because I was busy multitasking—runner, cook, and driver. Yes, on a Christmas day. We got bulk of visitors who I personally don’t know. Then, other relatives. Our house was jam packed!

I was also asked to fetch up some relatives. And there’s traffic. Yes, on a Christmas day!

At around 4pm, I drove all the way to Laguna to spend Christmas with the Rufino’s. I tag Moochy along. It’s his first time there and he’s extra lambing that night. He would not want me to get out of his sight.

December 26

I drove back to Cavite and rest. I spent most of the day sleeping. It was our street’s Christmas Party but I opted not to join because I know how dizzy I could get after joining the drinking spree.

It’s funny how our neighbors would go to our house and tell Mom how strong my sis is in drinking alcoholic beverages. She’s only 15 and she was able to knock down almost everyone including notorious men drinkers. They finished their session at around 6am and I couldn’t see any sign that she’s intoxicated. Mom would say to them, buti nga sa kanya hanggang umaga lang. Kung kay Mica kayo makipag-inom hanggang bukas pa kayo. They just don’t know, kaya ayoko na uminom dahil wala nang bisa ang agimat ko.

Good thing, I have cool parents. But of course, we know our limitations. They’re cool, but they perfectly know how to discipline us.

December 27 

I’ll make a separate post about what happened this day, because this day is worth a space, really worth blogging.

I hope you guys all had a blast! 3 more days, and we’re off to another fun-filled long weekend! Hurray!

I’m guilty of being a last-minute shopper! Hey, it’s my first! And probably, my last!

I know, I’m such a loser for not being able to prepare early. You know, work shits and other stuff. My supposed weekend shopping was ruined because i needed to report to work because POS registers are acting up. Peak season, large crowd, et al. Live support, store operations. I love ‘em, actually. And i can’t resist the call. Downside, my plan was compromised.

For the past years, as early as November, i already have gifts wrapped up but this years’ a 360-degree turn— exact opposite.

I’m starting to feel the pressure (no, not of work) of my dozen (literally) godsons and daughters, my family, and my well-loved friends. My brain’s already drained, and i’m running out of gift ideas.

I don’t wanna end up giving cold cash to the kiddos. But if things don’t work out well, I’m considering that as my last option.

Good thing though, I already got presents for the family and Pangs. The misfortune that recently happened to us, did something useful though, it gave me an idea of what to give to Mom. Since almost all her jewelries were taken away, I opted to buy her a new gold watch which she kindheartedly liked. I was with her when i bought it so she knew what i had for her. That’s how excited she was to use it, hindi na nahintay magpasko, kinuha na agad. Lol. My sister, on the other hand, is very vocal of what she wants for Christmas. It’s so easy to find— wish granted. Later tonight, I’ll meet up with Pangs to buy presents for Dad. I’m still undecided but I’ll stick to Outland leather sandals/Levis maong pants. He’s used to these stuff and his taste for things is unpredictable so might as well choose between the two just to be safe. Anyway, I already gave him a bottle of fundador. And he’s already happy with that. I don’t know if he’s serious or what, but he said he wants a case of beer for Christmas. But whatever, I’ll buy that too because the boys are gonna spend Christmas with us.

Last night, I picked up the gift I ordered for Pangs. I won’t tell what it is, because I know she’ll get to read this. Haha. Clue, it’s something hard to buy and wrap. I’m not exaggerating, but it really took me forever to wrap it and drained all my energy to buy and bring it.

It’s hard to think of what to give when you have 13 tito and tita so I decided to have the same gifts for them, para pantay-pantay.

For my friends, you have me and my service 24/7. You don’t need gifts right? Lol! Kidding aside, i haven’t gone shopping for you guys. Bear with me. New Year’s gift na lang ang ibibigay ko sa inyo. Maiba naman.

I love all of ‘em. And I don’t mind spending bucks to make them feel special this season.

***

To the sole reason why Christmas exists and to the very essence of this season, YOU GOT ME!
I love you more than anybody else! You are the epitome of my life.

Thank you for making me feel super blessed. Thank you for surrounding me with great and kind-hearted people. Thank you for making life worth living. Thank you for everything.

No words could ever justify my love for you. No praises could ever equate to how much I adore you. No scale could ever measure how high I look up to you.

Merry CHRISTmas, My Father.

***

Happy Holidays everyone! Have a blessed one.

Yesterday, our maid (or shall i say our family?) was victimized by one of the most cunning and elusive criminal element, the “dugo-dugo” gang.

I was on the shuttle way back home when Mom phoned me, i knew even before she started to talk that something happened because i noticed she was crying. She said that our maid was fooled and gave away all her money and jewelries. I was shocked upon hearing that, i knew the whole fam’s not there because they went to Pasig to remit the money that Dad’s co-workers asked to send to their families. Gadh, good thing they already sent it, if not, we might have lost millions of peso.

I told Mom to calm down and prepare as we would go to the police to report the incident. I was very much worried on my way home, i never thought of what was stolen, i was worried about Mom breaking down. She has a hypertension and situations like this might trigger that.

Upon arriving home, i went to my room to leave my things and instructed Mom to prep up. I realized i was the only one who was in panic mode. Seems like nothing happened, Mom was fine, Dad was silent as ever, and my sis is hanging out outside with her friends. The usual scenario when i go home.

Mom, her bestfriend, our maid, and I went to the nearby police station. It’ just along Anabu Coastal, we were advised to go to the municipality police station in Imus since that their focus is on vehicular accident only. So we went to Imus. There was a parade since it’s Immaculate Concepcion. The road going to the station was closed so we parked the car blocks away from the station.

It was to my dismay that Police Officers where just hanging out on a kubo outside the station. They just attend to us when i asked them to whom shall we report an incident. There should be someone on the front desk, RIGHT? And whenever people enter the station, they should be the one to ask what they could do for us, RIGHT?

Minutes later, we were asked to enter a room, there were 4 officers, the one’s facebook-ing, the other playing an online game and the two was watching what they’re doing. Cool, eh? Sorry pare, we needed to interrupt you. Next thing i noticed is that they are on improper uniform, they’re wearing slippers. They are on duty, RIGHT? They should be on their proper uniform.

The one who was facebook-ing interviewed Mom and our maid. That’s the only time that i heard the whole story. I was analyzing the facts and kept on finding loopholes. Our maid said that someone called her up and said that Mom met an accident and that Mom needed money to bail herself out and pay for the hospital expenses. The person who called said that she was the one asked to talk to our maid because Mom’s mouth was injured and couldn’t speak well. Our maid continuously hear, “Nadeth, pinagkakatiwalaan kita, sirain mo na yung cabinet at kunin yung mga pera sa pouch at lahat ng alahas.” She did what was instructed. She was also asked to bring the money in Jollibee, Imus. There, she met up with a very decent young lady. She even described it as sexy, pretty, and has a white complexion. She was told to stay there and wait for Mom. Until an hour passed, she decided to go home. That’s the only time that she texted Mom and asked “Kumusta ka na ate? Uuwi na ako kasi masakit na ang ulo ko. Hindi pa ko nakakapagtanghalian.” Mom was surprised upon seeing the message. She tried to call our landline but no one answers. Our maid arrived home around past 4pm while the fam arrived at 430pm. Our maid has no idea that she was scammed. She was staring at Mom and was surprised to see Mom not even having a single minor bruise. That’s the only time that everything became clear to her, that she was fooled and scammed.

The police officer seems like talking to a friend, throwing jokes on that very critical situation. He didn’t even threw relevant questions. I almost lost my temper when he had our maid and mom told the whole story and just said “wala na po tayong magagawa dyan.” What the eff, RIGHT? I was even the one who said, that it should be put on paper— blotter dude, it’s an SOP or was it?

He kept on telling that the gang already mastered what they were doing and that the PNP and NBI find it very difficult to entrap the gang. So they already given up on that? They would just let people be victimized and do nothing about it. May i ask, what are they for? To protect and serve people? Maybe they should change their tagline.

I asked Mom if we could ask PLDT if it’s still possible to trace the number of the person who called. Upon hearing that, the police officer even said that if we were able to do that, we should contact them and they’ll see what they can do. So, now, you get victimized, and you do your own investigation? And while you do your own investigation, they’ll just play online games, lay down, hang out, and access facebook? They should be the one to do that on the first place, RIGHT? And not us. We should have not gone there if we would just do things ourselves. Boo!

The last thing the officer did was to give us the contact number of a cartographic sketcher. That really pissed me off. I almost forgot that we’re on a MUNICIPALITY POLICE STATION. Why didn’t they have a sketcher there? There should have been one, RIGHT? So what do we do now? We contact the sketcher, and we pay? And what if it was murder? Or a very urgent incident involving lives of people, we would just let time pass just before we could draw the face of the suspect/perpetrator? We would let time pass and give the suspects/perps a chance to plan their next move or even hide?

I have high regards and respect to officials/officers, but this specific incident made me wanna shout out loud, “BULOK ANG PNP.”

I know that there are still good cops, and i have no right to generalize. But in this most frustrating situation, where you feel so helpless and hopeless, you cannot just simply let people whom you think has the authority to solve that case, do nothing. Why are they there on the first place, RIGHT?

We no longer care about what was lost or what was stolen. As Dad says, “pera lang yan at madaling kitain.” We’re still blessed that no one was harmed.

My worry now is our safety. We suspect that the culprit is just around the corner since that they know our moves. We should be extra careful now. We never know what would happen next.

I know that God is a great God. He is good and loving. Our family is still positive that better things will happen.